dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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