I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
