You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize