I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
