So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
