I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
