I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
