peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
