Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
