life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
