so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
