does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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