ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
