cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
