That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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