i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
