I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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