Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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