I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize