Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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