oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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