Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize