my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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