I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
