Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
