never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
