the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
