If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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