the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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