I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
