Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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