I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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