I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
