Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
