you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
