and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
