He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
