My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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