I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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