The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
