come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
