i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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