Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
