if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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