You work out of a Hotel?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
