i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
