9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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