why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
40s are totally the cure
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
