do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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