I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
