I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
