my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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