remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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