i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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