bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
