there's paper in my vomit.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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