Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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