i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
