yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
