I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
