I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
...so i touched it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
