He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
