so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
