Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
