Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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