hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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